Get used to biting your tongue in Bangkok

There are things that happen in Thailand that just defy belief. Mostly, your only choice is to bite your tongue. Or make an amusing (and instructive) story out of it among your foreigner friends.

The resident expats have seen most of it before. But tourists have not. So with this in mind, don’t be surprised when . . . in Bangkok . . .

Two or three Thai friends approach a door. The first one opens it and lets it fall closed right in the face of his or her friend. I kid you not. I’ve been this many times. Few seem to accept the idea that you could hold the door open to your following friend. Of course, in Canada, the custom is to hold the door open for the following person, friend or stranger.

Hold or not hold? I sometimes hold the door open. It’s such an ingrained habit. Still, there are times I don’t, probably depending on what happened last time I held the door open. Frequently, following Thais don’t even look at you, never mind thank you. Don’t think it even enters their mind that someone did them a favour.

Another way to look at the issue is,  there’s about 15 million folks  crisscrossing paths in the City of Angels each day. Our co-operative customs don't seem to exist.

A friend picked up his custom made shirts the other day. The four shirts were all long-sleeves. He had ordered two short-sleeved versions. What can you do?

I know all the ways to order drinks “straight” or “neat” in Thai. “Mai sai naam keng” and “pio pio,” sometimes reinforced by “mai soda, mai Coke, mai ice.” After going through the list, I am asked “on the rocks?” I reply negatively. I get a whisky on the rocks. Sometimes, as if to take pity on someone who drinks whisky straight, the waitress brings a water and ice. No one can believe someone drinks whisky straight so they refuse to “hear” it when taking the order. The crap quality of local whisky might explain the reluctance to allow anyone to drink it without pop or soda or juice. Have to agree.

Every neighbourhood has motorcycle taxis (the guys in dayglow vests) to take you from one end of your soi (side street) to the other or the transit system or local mall or other feature. It’s a 15-minute walk to the MRT subway for me, but sometimes I’m in a hurry so I grab a “motocy taxi.” There are three parallel routes to Pra Ram 9  station. One is behind and under the Fortune IT Mall and is the quickest path but only open in operating hours; a second is pockmarked, potholed, broken, full of mismatched asphalt patches, narrow but it is slightly shorter, maybe by 30 metres than No. 3. The last is smooth as a baby’s butt and wider. Perfect, in fact. Two riders have taken me on that route; saves the machinery and spine. But when I suggested the route a couple of times, I got waved off by a firm head shake. It must be said though that a moto taxi is the surest way to get where you are going in your local area. And inexpensive. And a touch dangerous!

I usually order an Americano coffee at my fave caffeine joint at Fortune Town IT Mall. Last week, this being the (mostly) hot season, decided to have one on ice. They brought me out a giant 24-ounce cup and I said it wasn’t mine. The clerk said ice Americano. Oh, oh. It was, but it would be no good after 3-5 minutes of being diluted by that much ice in the 30+ night temps. So the next time I said, holding a big empty cup, “only put ice here,” halfway up the cup. Understood. The longer-lasting Americano arrives and it is still filled with ice. “Americano ron”, which means “hot” in Thai, from now on!

In a city with hugely intense taxi competition and cheap fares, it’s hard to believe you can be refused by a driver. I’ve been refused my destination many times. First, I always take into consideration the timing and what is likely to be going on toward my home or other destination. Yet, day or night, I’ve been rejected. All friends tell the same story. Some drivers can’t believe others say no, when a fare is a fare and you’re taking in income instead of cruising the streets burning gas or diesel and other consumables. However, they might take a tourist on a flat rate basis. Not cheap! Oh, and never ever take a stationary taxi parked in front of your hotel, mall, public event, or nightlife or bar area. You will pay five to ten times the meter rate. Walk away from the area and catch a moving taxi. Two exceptions are  the taxi lineup outside transit stations and in mall parking lots.

Five sparkling new east-end BTS Skytrain stations, fully ready to operate,  remain closed and locked since last year when they could have begun operation and saved tens of thousands of commuters the daily headache of taking non-air-con buses into the farthest operating station at On Nut. Why? A city official in charge of opening bids for the signalling and other systems feared that his forthcoming retirement might be adversely affected if something were to go wrong.  So he refused to begin the bidding project, which should have begun in late 2008, and put the entire 5.2 km system opening on hold, according to a knowledgeable poster on Thaivisa.com. 

I had a shockingly good espresso in a Korat shop one evening near our hotel. So next morning I headed to the shop at 5 minutes to opening. The shop clerks were standing at the open door. By now it’s 1 or 2 minutes to 10. I asked politely as possible for an espresso. One pointed to the sign on the open door and turned it around to show me the shop is still closed and refused to make an espresso. Huh? I walked on incredulously to the next shop, which was just opening and the owner was happy to get the espresso machine running. Difference: employee clerks versus owner.

Many low to mid-range Thai hotels will offer free American breakfast. Menu will say eggs, sausage and toast. Before you say Cool!, let me warn you those sausages are no better than hotdogs and look like them (photo, below, of real thing). You rarely get bacon, the eggs will be pre-fried and piled in a pan, the “sausages” will be floating in some salty warm brine and the toast will be the worst kind of white bread. Worth little more than 30 baht overall. It’s no deal.

 

Continuing on the food theme, never, ever try to ask for a modification of a menu item. I remember, although this was in Vietnam, I wanted just a plain hamburger in a restaurant that catered to foreigners. So on a bacon and cheese burger, I said I didn't want the bacon and cheese. When I got the order, the buns were empty. Turns out it was strictly a bacon and cheese with no "burger." Yikes.

So this comes across as a rather pissy post. Well, it's because all these things happen/ed in Bangkok and continue to occur. Just fair warning to those who don't see it coming. Well, I've been in a pissy mood lately. Maybe it's one of those phases an expat goes through. Thing is, I only get in these moods when I'm in Bangkok. I didn't get these moods before. Could be a pattern relationship there. More investigation required.

 

Comments

[Siam.Rick]

1.

Well, Martyn, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Planning to return to Isaan in June (another wedding!) but may go up there sooner. I have to go back to Canada next month though for a good hunk of time.

Yes, those "sausages" are abominable.

[Siam.Rick]

2.

That's encouraging to hear, Lani. I'll be visiting CM in the near future for another look-see. Last time it was in high season. Way too many tourists.

Thanks for stopping by, Lani.

[Martyn]

3.

Rick it sounds like you need to throw a few things into a bag and head to Isaan for a week or two. That way you'll get more of a service with a smile than you're getting in Bangkok.

Those breakfast sausages look and taste absolutely bloody awful. I tried them once and swore never again.

[Lani]

4.

I think folks up north are a little more polite than Bangkoians. People hold the door for me, let me go by in traffic (!) and when I'm walking. En serio.

Although I do wonder if things will lean towards big city as Chiang Mai gets busier and more crowded.

And as far as the miscommunications, I think I'm getting used to it!!!!

[Siam.Rick]

5.

G, two normally stable friends, long time residents who you know, have related experiences recently in which they lost their cool. Recently, I've been with Thais who have lost their cool, one in a big way. Last night, in a taxi to Ekkamai, our driver was so not cool (Mike had to say "jai yen yen" to the guy before he killed us or several others). Living in Bangkok can test anyone, Thai or expat.

[Siam.Rick]

6.

Dboy, I've heard crazy stuff about China from two working friends there. But they still like it.

I've got two great moto guys on my sub-soi. So I'm happy and safe.

I don't eat American breakfast. Besides, when I have, it's horrible. Best first meal of day is Thai chicken or pork noodle soup, although I prefer Vietnamese soup. Hotel buffet breakfasts are usually cold or skimpy when I get there at 10ish. I usually go for the Thai.

Even at farang restaurants, I order Thai because it's usually quite good, although crazily expensive, like four to five times street price. But then it's usually better quality.

[Dboy]

7.

Funny article. If you think the behavior in Bangers is bad, just wait till you see Beijing. I swear nobody has more snot than the Chinese. And they eat things my cat wouldn't!

Motorbike taxi's..find a few who aren't crazy/suicidal and get their mobile number. If you use the same few guys for your bike rides then you'll get a lot better service out of them.

American breakfast: you REALLY don't want to keep eating like that..it will kill you. You're in one of the very best food cultures on the entire planet. Learn to eat the local grub.

[glenn]

8.

Rick, this is why you have to learn to smile ... regardless! The interesting thing is that eventually all these "different" customs might become "normal" for you too.