Make changes and the world changes with you

What's wrong with this picture? (It's not a trick.)

Take a closer look . . .

I’ll tell you what's wrong. No one is talking to each other at this Toronto coffee house.

I’ll also warn you this post is longer than most of my others.

I was in a popular coffee chain store a couple of weeks back -- not the one above. There was no snow on the ground, but it was cold. Bitterly cold. It was far out of my neighbourhood, in a tonier part of town, with lots of older apartment buildings. Nicer ones. There’s a big chain supermarket nearby. A streetcar line goes by it and the intersection where the coffee shop is.

I was very early for a meet-up with a friend so I walked around the neighbourhood. But it was just too cold to stay out long. And I’d just come back from Bangkok, very sensitive to the cold.

Time for an espresso and in the shop I went. Aha, two Korean girl students were up front with their computers, chatting away about some lesson, their notebooks open. There are many Korean students in Toronto and you see them in all the coffee shops. Learning English but mostly happy to escape their lives under their parents’ thumb back home. I’m told this on good authority, namely several Korean shopkeepers I know in my ’hood.

The rest of the patrons were the average white Toronto Canadians. Of 14 people in the shop, 12 were completely engrossed in their laptops. Although one guy was busy drawing scenes in his big artist’s sketch pad. Not one person was talking with another. It continued that way for the entire 20 minutes or so I was there. The shop was silent. Each person was wrapped in his or her cocoon of activity, such as it was.

Every table was occupied when finally a couple of fellows -- probably late 40s -- came in together, chatting away. But no tables. The pair looked around, they looked at each other.  The artist made ready to leave and the two guys sat down, almost apologizing for disturbing the library silence of the place. But they set to chatting quietly and looking around and probably drawing the same conclusion I was.

Why should two friends feel self-conscious about meeting at a coffee shop for a chat? What are they disturbing at a public coffee house, the kind of place with a tradition for artists, writers, philosophers, couples, and people of all kinds  to meet and enjoy a companion’s company?

If you are going to dress up, go for a walk and aim for a place full of the promise of discourse and not talk to anyone, why did you leave home in the first place? So there you are in a city of  3 million and no one to talk to. Is it any wonder people in the North America feel alienated from each other, with the consequent feeling of loneliness and dissatisfaction with their lives.

That’s why I find it very hard to return to this town after my vacations in Southeast Asia.

I feel the alienation. I still feel the same way but not to the degree that I used to. I can escape it.  I think it’s true one has to take the blame for your situation, no matter what. I made changes that would improve my general openness and I credit my time in Southeast Asia for the Great Unblocking.

I wish I could remember the exact moment when I attained a certain clarity of understanding that would forever change me and my relationship to the world, so to speak. I might come close though because of a certain small incident. Of course, it occurred in Thailand, which I credit for my change of outlook and relationship with just any old human being.

Back to 2004 and my first trip to Thailand and Cambodia. Mind blowing. Changed my life forever, but I didn’t know this at the time. I felt it, that’s all. I went back yearly. Each time out I scratched the surface of the local culture. But I also started to dig into  the surface of my own culture.

In Southeast Asia, you first enjoy the superficial things such as freedom to eat, drink and smoke anything, anytime, anywhere. Buy things cheap. Fly or ride cheap. Not worry about laws, regulations and consequences of your actions. We’re not talking extremes here. You meet new people from around the world. Meet Thai girls! You find that you are not ignored, not given the silent treatment, not brushed off. Then, to be more positive, you find yourself participating in enjoyable things more and more often. You want more of that. As you gain more experience and knowledge, you start to see the cracks in the facade but you also start to see the good things. The latter is worth more than gold.

Then on my fourth trip, in 2007, I realized that I was still arriving with my western filters and reactions intact. I realized I needed to disable them and start to see what I was looking at. So I intermittently disabled them and really started to see another world, one I really wanted to get involved in. But first you have to unwind those filters, put them in your pocket, or better yet, leave them in  your hotel luggage. Then go out and allow yourself to be open to everything that before you’d react badly to. In other words, go with the flow.

At the same time, you have to watch and learn. Don’t judge, under any circumstances.

My understanding grew with repeated interactions with Thai people.  I’d walk down soi 19 Sukhumvit from my hotel, which I’d stayed at several times, and people, mostly girls, in the local shops  and vendors would say hello and welcome me back. Huh? How could they remember me among thousands of tourists they’d see every year? Well, they did. They would say things that were specific to me. They’d remember my hotel (you staying at the Honey?), how I liked my coffee (double espresso, black), where I’m from (Canada; not the easy response, America or England), what I smoked (7-11 clerk sees me and says, Mild Seven, Sky Blue?). That’s pretty awesome. Good for the ego but hardly what you’d call  a basis for a new path to understanding your new experiences.

There’s a small travel agency on soi 19 that I visited to use their internet terminals. Both girls working there spoke pretty good English and I could ask them questions about places I wanted to visit or airfares or general cultural issues. So I got to know them and felt comfortable visiting their shop and not feel I was taking advantage of their good graces. But you see that was all in my western head. One day they were so helpful I felt I needed to give them a tip and put down a 100 baht bill to buy them lunch. They were aghast, politely. They were Thai. I was western. I conducted myself like a westerner, feeling I had to hand over money to show my appreciation. They had no such need. I persisted and didn’t realize until later I had just learned a big lesson.

I thought back later too how they were always so talkative, nice, polite, unhurried, friendly to me year after year and never ever wanted anything from me except to be nice and smile. That’s all. I was, but tainted this with the offer of money. Thais value  a good heart. I didn’t know this term never mind understand this at the time, but that’s so important to them. Money has no value but having a good heart is everything.

Being nice. It takes very little effort but if you’re out of practice, and you may very well be if you
are from the west, it’s very hard to change from being a cynical SOB. I was worse than that years ago but learned that that’s very hard to keep up. And if you’re known as a cynical SOB, people don’t want to associate with you. I made changes back then. Now I’ve hopefully rounded a corner toward having a good heart.

I make it sound easy but it wasn’t. I learned much from Thai people and, frankly, from Buddhist readings. And I cannot forget the many discussions with my friends G and M who have vastly more Southeast Asia experience and appreciate the finer points of  jai yen (keeping a cool heart) and sanuk (by all means, have fun).

I remember in 2007 returning home in December. I remember vowing to myself to be more open, friendlier and easy-going. I was making the change. I could feel the change. People were reacting to me differently. Both in Thailand and at home in Canada. The subject came up with a waitress friend at my local bar when I’d reacted to something in a way she never expected. I’d been back about a  month at this point. I told her my vacation was very enlightening and I told her my goals. She said she’d already noticed the change. The thing I liked was the change was comfortable and true.

I’ve experienced at least one major benefit from my new approach to life. When I have presented an open, calm demeanour, I’ve discovered people pick up on that and are not to hard to engage in a conversation. In fact, sometimes they even welcome it. It affects all ages.

I like the changes and I think they're permanent. And I like me. The former country boy who went away. And came back.

Comments

[Siam.Rick]

1.

Hello JVMG, you covered all the bases with your all-inclusive phrase: "interaction . . . is either virtual, fake or predatory." Tiresome, isn't it? But didn't know it was as bad in Van as it is in Toronto. I never get this sense among my friends and acquaintances in BKK. In fact, it's just the opposite. Foreign guys I know help each other out in many ways and do it just because we're friends. They do it without hesitation, too. Without any expectation of "payback" -- there's a sick word for the times.

I hope you can spend as much time as possible in your "second" home! I'll be moving there later this year. Retired, finally.

chrs

[jvmg]

2.

Very interesting and timely article, Rick.

I live in Vancouver. Same deal here. There's very little interaction between people. When there is, it's either virtual, fake, or predatory——in a business sense. The Western way of life is boring and frustrating and legislating the hell outta me!

As a fellow traveler in Thailand, I understand where you're coming from: the openness of the Thai people, the value of a smile, of having a good heart.

At the risk of sounding romantic--or possibly deluded--it seems like it's much easier to maintain positivity in Thailand than in the Big City back home in the West.

Here's to peace and jai yen for all in the Kingdom.

[Martyn]

3.

Game, set and match to Siam Rick. New balls please.

Nice reply.

[Siam.Rick]

4.

Yes, Martyn, the dog eat dog world rules now. At work, 17 people are looking over your shoulder. In the shops, security cameras and personnel and clerks watch you; you can't park momentarily anywhere without an enforcement officer ready to pounce; taxes go up (especially so called sin taxes) every time you turn around; people will only talk to you if they think you can help them (in smartphone parlance, you're a "contact"). On and on.

Believe me, while I think I've gone a little way toward making home a bit more palatable in a meet and greet way, the return is negligible. Just as you found out.

Last, good guys will get eaten up if they don't scratch and scrabble with the rest of the dogs. I found I had to do that a few times and never liked myself for it at all. Feels dirty. But you can't depend on anyone giving you a boost forward.

Could go on but I will try to think happy thoughts, which mostly consist of my return to LOS. Hmmm, I feel better already.

[Martyn]

5.

Rick I feel my character has developed one hell of a lot over the years as far as when I'm staying in Thailand. I am much more relaxed in the LOS and a whole deal more confident but in the UK the reverse is true.

Here in England I find the dog eat dog mentality turns me against society more and more to the point where I only truly welcome the company of family and close friends. I admire you for being able to merge your Thai soul into Canadian society but as much as I have tried to do the same here I really don't like what I get in return. I think only the strongest truly survive in western society, the good guy is always gonna come second. On the other hand maybe I'm just slowly going mad. Possible.

[michael]

6.

You've graduated my friend! Some never get past the observational posting. You've moved on to including yourself. Wonderful. That you like who you are, that you realize the change(s) and how your experiences have made these possible will help you forever both in your writing and your life. Keep including 'yourself' in your blog. It will make it more enjoyable and honest to read. We'll get to know more and get to know you better. Thanks very much and continued success here and wherever you lay your hat.

M

[Siam.Rick]

7.

Thanks Talen. Same same for me when I'm home. I do try to reach out, so to speak. Sometimes the reactions are a delight. However, most are not and it still feels like the old home city, a place I want to leave behind as soon as possible. Why? Because I'm addicted to my adopted culture! I must be because after 7 or 8 trips, I never get tired of the place. Heck, I even want to live there. That must mean something!

[Talen]

8.

Excellent post Rick, the transition from the West to the East is like hitting a brick wall at 50 miles an hour. People just don't communicate in the West anymore they hide behind the internet and text messaging. Very few will give you a look much less the time of day or a smile on the street...I was one of those people.

I was floored from my first moments in Bangkok on my first trip everyone smiles and says hello. I think LOS has changed many a travelers views on community and human interaction.

And it's true, as you quoted, I really do feel like a better version of myself when I'm in Thailand. More aware of the people and the world around me. Unfortunately in the west I'm still finding it hard to change my cynical jaded views.

[Siam.Rick]

9.

Mike,
I would say that money is a factor in every equation, west or east. So I'll give you that. No problem. Just to give you a bit of background: in that travel shop, I never spent more than 20 baht for internet time and only one time in 3-4 years did I ever make a booking, so I was never a real customer. The girls were just always nice.

re cultural differences . . .
Talen had a wonderful description in one of his Pookie posts . . . let me look . . . aha, My Thai Girl and I, Part 3. I'd like to quote the whole paragraph, but I'll just link to the article. It begins: "I don’t feel like my American self when I am in Thailand . . ." That's me only without the American part, substitute "Canadian" ;-)

My Thai Girl and I, Part 3 at Thailand, Land of Smiles

Last, I, like you, have found "a lot of good stuff." In fact, I feel like I've gone through attitude replacement therapy. It might not be for everyone but after 7 or 8 trips there, I see many positives.

[Siam.Rick]

10.

Same here, John. Being outgoing, at least in Canada, is a rare animal. I spent my first work year after university in Montreal, a truly social-crazy town. My social calendar was full, despite being almost paralytically shy. Live in the milieu, live the milieu. The experience opened up my mind to the possibilities. But sadly I ended up in Toronto soon after and discovered it was the coldest place on earth. But that's where all the money-earning jobs were.
Like I said in the piece, I can take a good part of the blame for my miseries, but it was hard when people you met didn't even look at you the next time. Or speak.
I met many others from my part of Canada, the Atlantic side and genuinely friendly. They went back home screaming they'll never go there again.
Even when I shifted to being an outgoing person, it rarely made any difference. But in Thailand, friendly smiles, even from farangs, come far more frequently. Very comforting and very comfortable feeling.

[Mike]

11.

Rick a very interesting and well written post. Not sure that I agree with it all, especially regarding money, but your example is very true. I do however agree there is a huge divide in our cultures, a lot of good stuff comes from LOS and it has certainly changed my attitude to some aspects of life.

[John]

12.

Good post. I was in a restaurant and met a waiter who remembered my name 2 months later when I came back. I experience stuff like that all the time in Thailand. I've become far more sociable than I used to be and I feel awkward whenever I return to the west, walk down a street, and nobody says hello or is talking to each other.